


Five Times the Boys Sat their Father Down to Tell Him about their Gay, Incestuous Love

by kumquatix



Category: Firefly, Harry Potter - Rowling, Heroes - Fandom, Simon & Simon, Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Gen, Incest, M/M, five things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-05
Updated: 2010-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-05 19:45:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kumquatix/pseuds/kumquatix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>See title</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Supernatural

"Dad," Sam said, "there's something we need to tell you." He pushed his bowl of cereal aside, and sat nervously popping his knuckles. Dean looked searchingly at him, but decided to play along; he put his spoon down.

"What's that, Sammy?" Dad asked, absently folding the paper neatly. "Did something happen at school?" Sam worried his bottom lip, and pushed his knee against Dean's under the table. Dean gave his thigh a comforting squeeze.

"No, it's not about school. It's kind of a big deal, and I don't want you to get mad until you hear me out, okay?" Sam gave dad his best puppy-dog eyes, which worked better than the pouting and bitch face he'd been using all the time lately, but Dean could see dad's eyes tightening anyway.

"All right, I'll hear you out. Start talking, Samuel," he said curtly.

"Yessir." Sam seemed to stall, and turned a bit pale and queasy looking. "I'm... inlovewithDean, and I want him to be my boyfriend."

"What?!" Dean said, over dad. Sam had gone white and blotchy, and was staring intently down at the table top. "Sam! What the fuck?!"

"Language, Dean," dad said. It was unnatural how he could always keep his calm no matter how freaky the situation. "Did you know about this?"

"No! I, no! Sammy, what the!" he managed to swallow the curse. Sam wouldn't answer or look at him, even when he pinched him hard under the ribs.

"How long have you felt this way, Sam?" Dad asked with that cool collectedness. He didn't even look angry anymore. "Can you remember when you first had these feelings?" Dean immediately felt a bit better. Dad was taking care of it, and probably knew exactly what kind of evil, supernatural son-of-a-bitch would cause something like this.

Sam finally looked up. "Since puberty, dad!" His lower lip wobbled a bit, and his eyes were shiny. "I never had the chance to get to know girls my own age, date or fall in love! The only constant in my life has been Dean. He's always been there for me, he's the only person in the world who really _gets_ me, and I love him!"

"I love you too, Sam," Dean said soothingly. "I can understand why you're confused," though he couldn't, "but the way you feel about a girl when you like her is something else." God, this was torturous, worse than giving Sam the sex talk. Sam was an idiot for starting this when dad was home, and without any beer to hand.

"What's the point of liking a girl when I have to lie to her about who I am and what I do, and have to leave town after a few days anyway?" Sam complained dramatically. "As soon as I'm out of high school, we're going to be living out of the car and in cheap motels for less than a week in each place just like we do during the summers." This was true, and Dean ached for Sam. He wished Sam had learned to take his pleasure in flirting with strangers, and hooking up for a single, hot night, like Dean did.

"You'll get used to it," he said. "It's not as bad as..." "This is about college." Dad interrupted. Sam jutted his chin out defiantly in answer, and suddenly the emo little shit was the familiar bitchy little shit again. "You little shit," Dean said, and pinched him hard in the same spot as before.

"Yes it is," Sam said. "Don't you get it? It's not just about getting an education, it's about this life killing me! I hate living on the road, I hate not having roots. I want to have friends! I want to date! Eventually I want to marry and have kids."

Oh god. Dean was relieved, but part of him wished they could go back to talking about incest. Dad just nodded. "I heard you out," he said. "Now finish getting ready, I don't want you to be late for school. Or your job," he added, glancing at Dean. He unfolded the newspaper, and continued skimming through it as if nothing had happened.

"Yessir," Dean and Sam chorused, and got to it. Dean knew that this battle might be over, but the war was still going strong. At least he didn't have to deal with it at the garage.


	2. Harry Potter

"Dad," George said, "there's something we need to tell you."

"What's that, my boy?" Mum asked, bustling around cleaning the breakfast things and brewing more tea. "Hmm?" Dad said, distractedly looking up from the paper.

"Fred and I," "Me and George," they said, "are in love." "We're going to get married." Percy looked deeply scandalized, Bill and Fleur ignored them and kept up their own conversation at the end of the table, Ron and Ginny laughed, and mum said "Don't joke about that, boys, it's not funny," while laughing.

"Brothers can't get married anyway, that's just rubbish," Ron said. "You should have said you were living in sin, it would have been more believable."

"Why, we're hurt," Fred said, "and insulted!" George said. "Our love is true," "and marriage is between us and god," "ministry laws be damned!" they said.

Mum whapped them on the heads. "Don't damn the ministry. Now who wants more tea?" Fleur and Ron held out their cups.

"You know, there are several examples of Muggle siblings marrying," Dad said. "Bill, you know about this. Wasn't it the done thing in Ancient Egypt?" Bill looked thrilled to get the chance to blather about his job, and he and dad were soon wrapped up in Muggles and demi-gods and magical rites far too long ago for anyone normal to give a toss.

"Ginny, I want you to be my matron of honor, say you will!" George said. "And you must be mine, Ronniekins!" Fred exclaimed. Ron made a horrible face, and Harry who had been quiet as a mouse finally laughed. Mischief managed.


	3. Heroes

"Dad," Peter said, "there's something we need to tell you." Nathan looked up from arranging the flowers on the grave. "Peter, now is not the time," he said.

"When then?" Peter snarled. "You can't tell me the news is gonna kill him. We're all alone here." He stared hard at the grave stone, as if he were staring in their father's forbidding face. "Nate and me have been fucking since we were old enough to know what our dicks were for."

Nathan winced. "We were stupid, horny teenagers. We know better now. Let's not bring this up again, all right?" He tried to project calm strength, because any sign of agitation would just rile up Peter even more.

"No! I need to get this out," he said, all flushed cheeks and shaking hands curled into fists. He was old enough not to act like a hot-headed kid anymore, you'd think. Nathan feared the day he would blow up and blurt something damaging out in front of witnesses.

"What we had, what we did, that mattered, man. It was intense, and the best sexual education a boy could have. Why should we keep it secret? Just because we're afraid of what _he_ would say? He's dead!"

"How about because it's _illegal_? It would ruin me, Peter! And think about Heidi, how do you think she would feel? Do you want to hurt Heidi?" he whispered angrily, working hard to keep his voice down.

"As if you don't fuck around on her all the time, you god damn hypocrite," Peter retorted hotly, but at least at a lower volume than before. "Not with a _man_!" Nathan snapped back. "She doesn't need to know that!"

Ridiculously, Peter looked hurt. Aw hell. "You know that you're my brother, first and last," Nathan said. He gave Pete a little hug. "Now, let's get out of here and have a beer, okay?" Peter nodded mutely, and looked a little less upset. They walked out to the car together, bumping shoulders.


	4. Firefly

"Dad," Simon said, "there's something we need to tell you."

"I'm not your dad," Mal said. "Now, was there anything else you wanted to interrupt my lunch for?"

"I know, but he's not here, is he? You're the captain, that's going to have to do," Simon said patiently. River hummed and looked at the ceiling.

"Fair enough," Mal said. He risked taking another bite of his sandwich.

"Dad. Mal," Simon said. "I love River." Mal grunted and nodded at him to continue. "She's all the family I have left, and I've decided to take responsibility for her, and take care of her for as long as we both live." Mal took another bite, and made a get-on-with-it gesture with his right hand.

"And given that I love her, and that I've committed myself to being with her, it was only natural that we let our relationship evolve. Romantically, I mean." Mal very nearly choked, but managed to swallow down the right pipe.

"Ai ya! Why are you telling me this?" Mal moaned. Simon who had got half out of his seat when Mal started choking sat back down.

"I know two brothers having a sexual relationship isn't very socially acceptable," he started explaining, with a little serious wrinkle of his forehead, still talking as if what he was saying were perfectly reasonable.

"It's not socially acceptable at all! And she's your sister, not your brother," Mal said. River hummed, and twirled a lock of her long hair around her finger. No help there.

Simon looked annoyed. "You're the captain, Mal," he said. "I'm not thrilled about talking with you ab..." "No! Shut up! Get back to work!" Mal ordered. With a reproachful look, Simon got up and gently pulled River up and with him by the elbow.

"Ai ya, wo mun wan leh," Mal moaned to himself. Being the captain was awesome, of course, but sometimes his crew really made him question if it was worth it.


	5. Simon & Simon

"Dad," Rick said, "there's something we need to tell you. The first gay incest fic Kumquatix ever read was about A.J. and me."

"That's right," A.J. said. "She read it not knowing what it was. From the pairing in the header, she had assumed we were a heterosexual married couple, and that I was a woman. A woman, as if!"

"Well, A.J. could conceivably be a girl's name. Like Anna Julia, for example. She realized quickly enough you were male, didn't she?" Rick said.

"All right, true," A.J. said. "But she still thought we were two good friends who just happened to have the same last name. And when she figured out what was going on, she stopped reading fics about us!"

"Totally unfair of her. And now, to add insult to injury, she's forcing us to come out to you, dad. Even though cruelly manipulating Charlie and Don Eppes in this way would make far more sense," Rick said.

A.J. shrugged apologetically. "So, there you have it, dad. We're sorry to lay this on you, but we had no choice. We were compelled against our wills."

"At least she didn't make us come out to mom," Rick consoled him. "It would have really sucked if we had to tell anyone living about this."

"How can you even attempt to look on the bright side? I've never been so humiliated in my life," A.J. complained. "She hasn't given us a shred of personality! It's obvious she's never even watched the show. This is a travesty."

Rick didn't answer, just sat there silently wondering which of them was the one with the mustache.


End file.
